Permata

hatiku berdegup laju

persis ombak menderu

persis angin berhembus

persis unggas bersahutan

ku terus berlari

dan berlari.....

dan berlari.....

demi permata yang hakiki

namun kadang kala ku terjatuh

menyalahkan sang batu yang hanya terdiam kaku

ku harapkan batu membantuku

namun tanpa ku sedari

aku tidak pernah memberi kepada sang batu

sang batu tidak pernah meminta

sang batu tidak pernah merungut

sang batu hanya melutut, menurut

biarkan batu itu!

teruskan berlari!

kegelapan sanubari membutakan pandanganku

yang ku mahu hanyalah kilauan permata

aku berlari

dan terus berlari..

namun,

deruan angin seakan memanggilku untuk menoleh

menghancurkan segunung ego yang beraja di hati

ku menoleh

dan kalbuku melihat

batu yang ku hina, ku caci

rupanya adalah permata yang hakiki

T.o.R.n

Pagi ini aku bangun jam 6.30 pagi. Usai solat subuh, aku membuat beberapa panggilan, dan kemudian terus aku menyambar buku Financial Maths kepunyaan Taf untuk aku menelaah. Kira-kira satu jam setengah aku membelek-belek formula yang amat sukar difahami, perut mula menginginkan perhatian. Ku turun ke dapur lalu memotong 2 batang pisang menjadi ketulan-ketulan kecil dan ku masukkan ke dalam cawan yang tiga suku penuh dengan fresh milk. Banana cereal, sajian breakfast yang ku cipta sendiri memang menjadi kegemaranku. Hidup di bumi UK tanpa kehadiran nasi lemak, roti canai atau cucur udang di waktu pagi memaksa diri ini menjadi lebih kreatif mencipta makanan baru untuk mengubat hati. Ku masukkan segenggam cereal ke dalam mug lalu ku alas perutku seadanya sambil menonton perlawanan badminton Commonwealth Games antara England dan Malaysia. Malaysia menang emas pada perlawanan itu. Bangga sungguh hati kecilku menggetus.

Aku mula membancuh satu jug Teh O panas. “Untuk satu rumah sekali,” bisik hati kecilku.

Housemateku yang berwajah Iran, Taf, kebetulan demam pada malam sebelumnya. Menghirup secawan Teh O panas selepas bangun dari tidur pasti melegakan buatnya fikirku.

Tidak sampai 5 minit kemudian, housemateku Et  keluar dari biliknya meluru ke dapur. Mungkin perutnya sama seperti ku juga, meronta-ronta ingin diberi perhatian. Manja sungguh sang perut. Et membakar dua keping roti. Aroma roti bakar sangat membangkitkan nafsuku untuk turut menjejak langkah Et membakar roti. Walaupun kadang kala muak dengan roti kerana hampir setiap meal (breakfast, lunch n dinner) menjamah roti, namun roti juga ku sambar kali ini. Nasib pelajar merantau, tiada banyak pilihan makanan. Malaysia boleh ku ibaratkan syurga makanan dunia. Teringat bazaar ramadhan yang ku lewati pada cuti summer lepas.

Jam 11.00 pagi, setelah mandi dan berdandan menggunakan perfume DKNY Red Delicious yang ku beli di eBay tempoh hari, aku terus keluar dari rumah, berjihad. Kelas pertamaku pada hari ini adalah di bangunan Engineering Sciences.  Kelas kedua ku pula di bangunan Electrical and Electronic, agak hampir dengan rumahku.

Dalam kelas yang kedua, di kala itu, jam menunjukkan pukul 1.15 tgh hari. Kelas tersebut akan berakhir jam 2 petang. Dugaan besar menjelma. Fokusku terhadap Dr. Makris Miltos sangat hambar. Walaupun lagaknya seakan Steve Jobs, pengasas produk Apple, aku tetap tidak tertarik untuk mendengar hujahnya mengenai Pareto Efficiency pada hari ini. Mata ku berat. Perutku lapar. Sudah beberapa kali kepala ini mematuk angin kerana terlalu mengantuk. Tika tersedar, aku mula membayangkan  sepaket pasta segera yang ku beli di Asda Hypermarket Jumaat lepas. Packagingnya yang menggiurkan dengan gambar semangkuk pasta yang sangat creamy dan cheesy dihadapannya mengkhayalkan aku. Baru ku sedar sudah lebih 5 jam perutku dibiarkan tanpa perhatian.

Habis sahaja kelas, aku meluru ke Library untuk memulangkan buku yang ku pinjam.  Setelah library, rumah ku menjadi destinasi pilihan.  Aku meluru ke dapur dan mencari paket pasta segara yang sejak dari tadi bermain-main difikiranku. Tanpa berfikir banyak, aku mengikut instruction masakan di belakang paket tersebut. Setiap arahan dituruti dengan patuh sekali.

Susu, done.

Air sejuk, done.

Pasta segera, done.

Sausages? Eh, sedap jugak kalau tambah sket. Potong la 2 batang buat tambah rencah.

Sausages, done.

Semuanya ku masukkan dalam periuk aluminium buatan Itali yang mungkin disedekahkan oleh postgrad yang sudah pulang ke Malaysia tempoh hari. Paket pasta tadi ku buang terus ke dalam tong sampah recycle yang disediakan. Pujian selayaknya kepada warga Britain kerana kesedaran yang amat tinggi terhadap alam sekitar sehinggakan tong sampah untuk barang-barang kitar semula disediakan di setiap rumah.

Kacauan perlahan aku kenakan kepada campuran pasta itu tadi. Aromanya naik ke udara sejuk rumahku yang pada firasatku berada pada suhu sekitar 10-12 darjah celcius. Luar biasa sejuknya hari ini. Pinggangku terasa lenguh mungkin kerana banyak menggigil. Setelah 5 minit mengacau, aku mula berasa pelik. Aromanya seakan bau kiub pati ayam yang biasa kami gunakan untuk memasak. Pada mulanya, ku sangkakan itu hanyalah bau campuran rempah dan bahan perasanya. Tapi rasa was-was ku kian memuncak. Ku ambil kembali paket pasta segara itu yang telah aku buangkan ke dalam tong sampah recycle.

PASTA WITH CHICKEN AND MUSHROOM

Owh..meronta-ronta jiwaku melihat perkataan chicken pada paket tersebut. Di saat perut yang sangat lapar, menginginkan suatu yang sangat menyelerakan di hadapan mata itu, akhirnya nafsu terpaksa ditundukkan buat seketika.

“Macam mana boleh tersilap ni. Takkan la x nampak perkataan “chicken” kat situ. Sah-sah la haram,” rungut hatiku kepada kekhilafan diri sendiri.

Setelah aku buangkan semua pasta dalam periuk Itali tersebut, aku kembali kepada makanan normalku di UK. ROTI.

Malam ni giliran aku masak. Nasi ayam menjadi pilihanku. Semoga terubat rindu kepada tanah air.


p/s : aku yakin nasi ayam aku halal sebab aku beli dekat kedai ayam halal. owh, btw, housemate2ku cakap, sambal nasi ayam aku sedap  =D    ~*puas*~

Sorry

"Wan, aku rase ciri-ciri feminisme dalam diri kau ni tinggi lah."

Sorry..

I know I am highly sensitive..

Always paranoid with sumthg dat I shudn't..

Sorry..

I know i am expressive..

Always neglect your feelings in expressing my sorrow towards wut you've done..

Eventhough the thing you did is not even close to be called wrong..

Sorry..

I know i feel a bit insecure..

I promised to recover.. 

But deep inside im still suffering..

The scar is there..and every time i look at it, it bleeds..

Sorry..

I know i am selfish..

Never been satisfied with your attention..

Craving for more n more...

I hate myself everytime you cry..

I hate myself everytime you sigh..

I hate myself everytime your guilt is high..

"Wan, patience is sweet..it is..sabar sket eyh..." =)

Aidilfitri ; More Than A Day of Celebration

i never done this..but this entry is eyes opening..so i decided to post it on my blog..enjoy reading it..may it be beneficial for you..

*this entry is quoted from http://missizyan.blogspot.com 

funny aint it?

at 20, and im just barely understanding the true meaning of 'idul Fitr'.

kembali kepada fitrah

is it because of my ignorance?

that only now im trying to understand this special day.

or should i blame my family or my surroundings instead?

truth is, pointing fingers leads me to nowhere.

instead i should be thankful, 

that at 20,

Allah gave this chance for me to think.

instead of 30. 

instead of 40. 

instead of never.

one fateful day, 

it was from a radio show, 

an ustaz started his talk with defining the words of 'idul Fitr'.

i wasn't able to listen to the whole show,

cant remember why.

but the definition was stuck in my tiny brain.

'seriously, ive never thought of that.'

the last few days,

i've been so occupied by this.

kembali kepada fitrah.

so the day is supposed to be a 'celebration' of that.

but the question is, have i?

kembali kepada fitrah.

did i use all the chances Ramadhan has to offer?

untuk kembali kepada fitrah?

this Ramadhan...

have i struggled and prepared myself for Lailatul Qadr,

instead of just waiting for it?

have i finished reciting Quran,

just because it's something i do every Ramadhan,

instead of hoping that Allah makes the bond with this Holy Quran stronger?

Have i performed tarawikh,

just because it's embarrassing not to do so,

instead of realizing that this solat sunat 

is only done specifically and specially in this holy month?

Have i eaten for sahur everyday,

just to fill my empty tummy, 

instead of understanding the barakah behind it?

Have i woken up for Qiam,

just because i had extra time before sahur,

instead of really having faith in Allah's words,

that Qiam really strengthens your iman?

have i...have i.. have you yan?

i kept questioning myself over and over again.

kembali kepada fitrah.

how i wish i am there.

how i wish i'd managed to do the most i can,

in this Holy month of Ramadhan.

how i wish, that im eligible to celebrate Idul Fitr,

with it's true meaning.

still, it's a happy occasion that one should cherish 

and be thankful for.

we're back in the real game now.

if we managed to tame our hawa nafsu,

then insyaAllah we'll manage to fight off all the Red Army,

for the next 11 months.

insyaAllah...

alright. this is just me retrospecting in public.

edisi ke berapa tak pasti.

whatever it is, 

saya nak minta maaf,

to all my friends and fellow readers.

for any words that might have hurt you.

wallahua'lam. 

im a mere human being, bound to make mistakes.

im here just to write and share my insignificant experiences.

with the hope that they may benefit those who willingly visit this blog.

and as for now, we still have a few hours of Ramadhan left.
(some still have a day left)

i've heard of a quote somewhere:

"jangan Syawalkan akhir Ramadhan"

for all we know, all the offers stand still.

the Red Army are still tied, 

the Doors of Heaven are still opened,

the barakah is still there.

let's just grab whatever we can.

while Allah is giving the chance.

and pray that, on that fateful Idul Fitr,

we are in the groups of people who had;

"kembali kepada fitrah"

wallahua'lam.

Salam Aidilfitri

Maaf Zahir & Batin.

seriously. 

i mean it.

mintak maaaaaaf sgt2 eit? ;)

Kenapa Lelaki X Boleh Obses Main Game

Zaman Sekolah

*kalau asyik sgt main game, nanti kerja sekolah x siap. kecik ati guru

*mak suruh g kedai g beli bawang merah, kite x asik ckp, "nanti mak,nk abiskan 1 level je lg ni,"..end up mak g kedai beli sendri..dah kecik ati mak

*ayah ajak g solat mgrb jemaah kt surau, kite asik ckp "ayah g dulu la eyh..sket lg ni,"...kecik ati ayah..

p/s : kata gamer, "ala..biasa la tu..bdk2 main game..x remaja ar x main game weyh"

Zaman University

* zaman ni, nk main game smpai subuh pn, xde sape nak marah..mak ayah jauh..

* tapi, kalau kite main game smpai x tdo malam, portfolio math mungkin x bole disiapkan by the deadline..kecik ati cikgu stats kite yang bernama Mr. Badarudin tu...dah x berkat study kite..terpaksa la tercari2 cikgu time majlis restu b4 exam..time tu br myesal..tp konfem buat lg punye..
* main game ngn member2 smpai tgh malam, abis bising mcm nak pecah bilik member..rupe-rupenye, kat bilik sebelah ade member nk study...dah terganggu member tu..time tu kalau member tu doa, sure makbul punye la..yela, doa orang teraniaya kan makbul..isy2..abis la korg...nasib baik member sebelah tu baik, x doa supaya korg gagal exam..kalau x, mmg la rsnye x dpt ijazah...

p/s : kata gamer, "lek lek luuuuu....zaman tgh study ni la nk enjoy..kang dh keje, busy...x sempat pn nk main game nih"

Zaman Bekerja

* time ni syok sket, duit dah ada..leh la beli console yg mahal2 sket kan..tp bile kite main game smpai tgh malam, esk pagi time kerja, mengantuk..kerja pn sure careless punye..cmne boss nk sayang? cmne nak naik gaji? cmne nak kumpul duit utk kawin? kate beriya nak meminang anak mak cik sarah tahun depan, tp saving masih lg kurang drpd saving adik bongsu sendri dalam tabung haji die..bile la plak nak kawin..sian anak dara makcik sarah, setia je tunggu boyfren die padahal boyfren die sendri xde inisiatif nak usaha kumpul duit utk masa depan diorg..

p/s : kata gamer, "ala...tension la kerja..main game ni nk release tension laaa..lgpn kang dh kawin, sure leh stop punye addiction kat game ni..skrg ni bg puas2 dulu"

Zaman Berumahtangga (xde anak)

* time ni, hidup berumahtangga sure manis je..yela..hidup berdua je..mmg sweet shj la sentiasa...tp bile kite asik main game je, isteri x kecik ati ke? okay, kite tgk...

*isteri kite kerja..balik kerja sure kene masak utk suami..then pas masak, kemas2 pinggan sume..sambung lg ngn laundry..basuh, sidai...suami? sibuk abiskan main game warcraft sebab x complete lg mission..time baru2 kawin mmg la isteri x ksah..tp kawin bukan sehari dua, kawin sampai mati kot..melainkan isteri die tu Asimo, for sure la isteri tu panas gak..dh cm org gaji lak..

* isteri kite tu perempuan..hati lembut..inginkan belaian dan kasih sayang..tolongla hargai..jgn la hargai game tu je..x kemane la level game tu kalau x up pn...isteri lg penting..

p/s : kata gamer, "aku raja kot..isteri tugasnya uruskan rumahtangga..so pandai2 die la.."

Zaman Berumanhtangga (ada anak)

* selain kerja2 di atas tu, isteri kene basuh btol susu anak, mandikan, tidurkan, tukar lampin..n suaminya, still main game..ni siyes isteri dh jd bibik kt rumah sendri..rumahtangga tu perkongsian hidup..so, kerja2 dan tanggungjawab tu kene la kongsi jugak..same2 la bantu besarkan anak..ni pandai buat je anak tp x pandai nk tolong isteri jage anak sbb addicted ngn main game tu..mane x kes cerai berai berleluasa..sebab suami x pandai nk faham tugas dan tanggungjawab sebagai suami..

*bile anak dh besar sikit, kalau asik main game sorg2 je, anak cmne? anak for sure merengek2 mintak perhatian..nak dilayan dan dimanja..ni kalau anak kite mintak teman g playground, kite reply "ala...g la sendri..main leklok ye..papa ade keje sket ni.."...atoiyaiii...kan sweet kalau g teman anak tu main buaian, gelongsor kat taman...anak kite tu dpt la rase belaian kasih sayang dan perhatian papa die..ni kalau anak main sorg2 kt taman, kang kene culik, dh satu hal lak...puncanya, kurangnye perhatian mak bapak..n then, kalau anak dh besar nnt ada masalah sosial, kang salahkan cikgu, ckp cikgu x didik anak die ngn betul..padahal die yang leka ngn anak sendri...kalau anak kantoi merokok, langgar disiplin, tau malu..then bantai anak ngn tali pinggang...

p/s one : nak main game bole, tp jgn smpai abaikan tanggungjawab kite yang lebih utama..terutamanya tanggungjawab kat Tuhan..*peace*

I'm Back =)

fuhh..after almost a year leaving this rusty blog, finally she's back with the fresh looked! sawang dh sangat banyak kt blog ni. mcm bersihkan rumah untuk raya pulak. neway, let's get back to wut i used to do almost a year ago. BLO[GG]ING. yeah..u read it right peeps..;)

i'll try my best to contribute through my blog, to share what i think i shud share with the people around me..thanx for those who dropped by but only to read creepy old posts that hasn't been updated for too long!

i dont have a certain type of writings. i just write randomly. sometimes it might be beneficial to you but sometimes it wud just be another crappy post by me. so bear with me for those who intend to but u can just jump to other blog if you think [I.am.One] wudn't make any difference to your life.

hope to start very soon...till then, selamat menjalani hari-hari terakhir ibadah puasa dan selamat hari raya aidilfitri, maaf zahir dan batin..[in case i dont have any post before raya =p ]

p/s : jgn biarkan hari anda pergi tanpa sebarang ibadah sunat untuk bekalan akhirat anda

renaissance of a blogger

hey there...=)...its been a while since my last entry...a long long time ago...my last entry was posted on the very first days of my arrival in UK and i have been here safe n sound for almost 3 months! i dont wanna give lame excuses saying that i am too bz to post anythg here simply because the life here is pretty relaxing! i just dont have the mood top write..but few mins before i started writing this, i read few blogs of my fren... most of them keep updating their blog by writing about what they have been doing in negara org and stuffs...it strike my mind with this.."aku kat UK 3 tahun je...xkn la aku nk simpan kenangan aku kat UK ni dlm FB je?"..with that simple thought i become so inspired to starting writing this...yea...this WORD!

Ok..life here is southampton has been pretty smooth...it is just a simple city, without any tourist attraction at all..seriosly, to all my frens, if u wanna come to soton, dont u ever dream to sightseeing, but do come here because of SOTONIANS as we will make ur days here worthy! haha...not to say that we are enjoying our life so much here but we are doing fine so far..alhamdulillah...=)

since my arrival here, one thing that i am proud is of course my cooking skills...haha...thx to our desperation to cook once a week! up to this date, i have cooked ayam masak kurma, soto, all sorts of nasi goreng, chicken stew, bolognese, ayam masak black pepper and mee hoon singapore...cooking is enjoyable for me and it is not really difficult..as long as u have the guts to cook, you will be fine....;)

me in action!

chicken stew!

ayam masak merah + ikn bilis masak kicap n telur dadar

classes have been quite bumpy but i did enjoy myself in class..lectures, turorials, presentation, group discussion, assignments...all of them make myself become a wiser person by now...i did form a discussion group for my ECONs module with matt(english),moid(pakistani) and tafzani (malaysian). we are doing great..the discussions had been very active with evryone contributing their own brilliant ideas..working with non-malaysian really open up ur mind coz they can see what we typical malaysian oversee..they really ambitious and have a very clear idea and dream ahead of them...here is a picture of us..

from left : matt, moid and me

i also form a group for my DEMOGRAPHY presentation..me,together with taf and et pleasantly agreed to join Ling and Michele, 2 brilliant peeps from China to put our brains together for the presentation...we did very well for it and special thanx to Ling for cheering up our group with her bubbly jokes...haha...

Today is my last day of my autumn term and tomorrow is the 1st day of winter holiday! happy holiday peeps! and i am going to Spain this tuesday! hahaha...the route will consist of LONDON-BARCELONA-GRANADA-CORDOBA-MADRID-LONDON....pray for our safe and smooth journey and do wait for lotsa pics to be uploaded...!

owh yea..btw, my other half is enjoying her days so much in States...she is there for her university's academic visit..she was selected for the trip and im pretty sure it is because of her very well performance in studies...alhamdulillah..im very2 proud of her...=)...it seems that her tears at the very first time when she knew that she was accepted to do a course that she never applied at a university that she never thought of has turn into a joyful tears...Allah knows evrythg and absolutely the best for us...to you dear,cepat2la blk malaysia ye... =)

lastly, just to remind you guys that this blog is still alive! haha..adios...;)